August 2, 2016
Trump will complain increasingly about the upcoming election being rigged and if he doesn’t quit the race (citing a CIA plot to have him assassinated) when he loses to Clinton he will refuse to concede. He will stoke the conspiracy fires and give voice to the most extreme of his followers, a diverse grouping of the disaffected who find unity only in Trump’s defiance. There will be some minor violence but the movement will fizzle when Trump stars in a new reality show called “Celebrity Cabinet.” The show will feature Trump demonstrating how he, as president, would handle situations that are in the news better than Clinton with the help of an all celebrity cabinet competing to replace an unnamed Vice President who has resigned in disgrace as a “traitor.” Each episode culminates in the cabinet room where one celebrity contestant is “banished” to the ambassadorship of some tiny country.
Trump will also seek to replenish his fortune by increasing his endorsements, mostly for weapons and survivalist gear, but also a complete line of gold plated furniture, decor and houseware. He will claim he receives a million dollars for every speech he but his fee will actually be $400,000 throughout the spring of 2017 and then slowly diminish. By the middle of 2018 his fee will be back to where it was before he announced his candidacy, $176,000 on average. As he walks on stage, wherever he speaks, his host will be required to play a mostly instrumental version of “Blister in The Sun” where the only lyric sung is the line “Big hands I know you’re the one.” Gordon Gano of The Violent Femmes will sue Trump and the case will remain in the courts until the day Trump dies.
For the first time since Teddy Roosevelt in 1912 a third party candidate will receive more than 25% of the vote. Records will be set for the number of registered Republicans who do not vote as well as the number who cross party lines. Trump will not only claim the election was rigged but initiate no fewer than three dozen lawsuits against various individuals and organizations, including his own campaign and campaign manager, all of his ex-wives, the Trump Foundation, and Scottish Parliament.